There's a Patron Saint for Everyone and Everything

17 March 2011

17 March is Saint Patrick's Day, which has become a global cause for celebration and considerable drunken behaviour. Saint Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland (and Nigeria and Montserrat) and is just one of a whole host of saints people can turn to if they need help with solving particular problems.

If you have a test coming up and you're worried about passing it, then look to Saint Joseph of Cupertino, patron saint of test takers (and aviation, astronauts and mental handicaps) for assistance. Not only was he a saint, but he could fly and sniff out wrong-doers as well. So he was kind of a Superman saint.

Are you having problems with your internet connection? Then after calling your ISP and complaining, consider looking to the heavens for the help of Saint Isidore de Seville, who has been proposed to be the patron saint of the internet. This holy man was also a philosopher and writer but probably knew nothing about TCP/IP protocols.

STDs are naturally something to be concerned about. Apart from visiting the doctor, a sufferer could also enlist the aid of Saint Fiacre, the patron saint of venereal diseases. This Irish healer could plough fields using just his staff and was not too keen on the presence of the fairer sex, banning women from the grounds of his monastery. He is also the patron saint of taxi drivers, florists and gardeners. As if being the patron saint of STDs was not tricky enough for him, he has also become the patron saint of haemorrhoids, effectively covering the whole nether regions.

Saint Nicholas, the man better known to children around the world as Santa Claus, also happens to be the patron saint of repentant thieves, sailors and, most surprisingly, prostitutes. Fortunately, the story of him receiving this patronage encapsulates his giving image rather than him indulging in a spot of kerb-crawling. A father of 3 daughters could not afford a dowry for them and feared they would have to become prostitutes to pay their way through life. Upon hearing this news, Saint Nicholas tossed each daughter a bag of gold, thus negating their need to become ladies of the night.

The holy but hideous Saint Drogo is there for the ugly people in the world. Along with being the patron saint of deaf people, coffee house owners and orphans, Drogo is also the patron saint of unattractive people. The man himself was stricken with such a disfiguring ailment that he ended up being kept in a tiny cell, in case he scared the local populace. However, as legend says the pilgrim could bi-locate (be in two places at the same time) then no doubt his other half was down at the church wondering why he looked like a cross between Shrek and Quasimodo.

Being bothered by earache or suffering from a bout of dysentery? Then Saint Polycarp is the go to patron saint in these situations. He miraculously put out a fire that had stricken the ancient Greek city of Smyrna and when the Romans decided to burn him at the stake they had to stab him to death, as the flames of the fire did not touch his holy body.

For foot problems, maybe a blister that has been annoying you or a particularly tenacious bout of Athlete's foot, then it's time to call in the big guns. Saint Peter, one of the Twelve Apostles, is the patron saint of foot trouble. Even though he's the patron saint of fishermen, the Papacy and butchers, it seems that lowly foot problems are not beneath this venerable man. Peter was the disciple who had a problem with having his feet washed by Jesus at the Last Supper, but later relented as long as his master washed his head and hands too.

Finally, next time you make a sandwich, perhaps you should offer a respectful nod towards Saint Honoratus of Amiens first. Better known as Honoré, he is actually the patron of bakers of holy wafers and flour merchants, but it is safe to say he's in charge of sandwiches too. When he became a bishop, his former nursemaid refused to believe it, and would only believe it if her baker's peel (the shovel-like tool used for sliding bread into ovens) sprouted roots and became a tree. Which it duly did. He also has a cake named after him.

Enjoy Saint Patrick's Day, and we hope you won't find yourself praying to either Saint Martin of Tours (for protection against alcoholism) or Saint Bibiana (patron saint of headaches and hangovers) on the following day.

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